A.D.D./Amor

So, I've allowed myself a bit of hope, and it's slowly killing me. Ok, so maybe it's not so slowly. I'm going insane bit by bit. It's amusing my friends. They seem to enjoy watching me bounce off the walls. I feel manic. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm worrying. I can't eat, and I can't sleep. It's all because I love someone and don't know how to tell him. I can't form the words, but I so desperately want to say them. He makes me smile, and laugh. I can talk to him about anything. I love being around him. I miss him when he's gone, which is all the time. Love=Insanity in my world, I guess. So, here's to hope, possibly courage, and most of all, love.

Heart Broken

So, for the last few days I've wanted to just crawl in a hole and hide away for awhile. It's never a fun feeling, but occasionally everyone has it. It could be for a number of reasons. It could be because of something embarrassing, or as in my case, just wanting to escape some pure emotional torture that I'm sure I brought on myself. A friend recently told me that it sucks you can't choose who you love, and isn't that the truth? I know that feeling all too well. I always seem to fall in love with guys who can't return the feelings. It's heartbreaking. And as a hopeless romantic, I seem to keep putting myself through it. Over and over again. I'm not waiting for a prince, I'm just looking for a man who can love me for me. Sometimes I wonder if that's too much to ask. I know that someday it will happen. But in the meantime, I have to nurse another broken heart

Just another day...

Today wasn't anything extraordinary. It was just another day, and yet it was a special day. I needed to get my temple recommend renewed, and because of that I was able to talk to Brother Bowles in the bishopric, and one of the stake presidency. I had been panicking for the last week once I realized that my recommend expired at the end of the month. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it renewed before it expired. Luckily, they were more than willing to take time out of their busy Sunday schedules to help me out. I am so grateful for the worthy and honorable preisthood leaders around me. It was such a relief to me to get it taken care of. It really felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.
Another thing that was affirmed to me today, that has been alot recently, is that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my needs. He has provided everything I need. He has blessed me with a great family, great friends and a good job. I have the greatest family in the world. I spent a few minutes talking with my dad earlier, and I informed him that my friends think he's cool. He said it isn't anything he aspires to. He is cool though. My friends have thought that for years. He's so cool, he's planning on coming with us to Disneyland in a few weeks. That's gonna be the trip to be on. You want to be cool with cool people? Come to Disneyland March 12-14. (Emily, you know you want to...) The countdown has begun. 19 days.

Catalyst Redux

So, I can't seem to get some of these lines out of my head. This poem keeps rewriting itself. And here we go again.

This is just the catalyst for what comes next,
The breath before the scream,
The pause before the start,
Tension pulled to the breaking point.
Its the balance beginning to sway,
The calm before the storm,
The frenzy before the fall,
Its the dance, out of control.
Turn the key and wind us up,
The spring's about to break.
Let me loose and watch me spin,
There's not much more I can take.
This is just the catalyst.
The moment of truth.
Will you stop me here, or let me go,
Dark oblivion or bright ecstasy await.

I don't know which I prefer. They both have something I like. I think this one focuses more on the tension, whereas the other is more about the tensions possible resolve. Hmm...well, here's hoping there isn't another rewrite.

Catalyst

This is just the catalyst for what comes next,

The breath before the scream,

The pause before the start,

And I'm stuck here, in between.

The moments last forever,

Dragging into impossibility,

Driving me insane,

As I long for tranquility.

The next move is a mystery,

is this a game or a dance.

What more can I say,

I have to take this chance.

It's a bet I'm willing to make,

So take this leap with me.

It'll be worth it in the end,

I promise, wait and see.

The future is unwritten,

And I'm an eternal opitimist,

Waiting with bated breath

Because...this is just the catalyst.

Six Months...

It's weird to think that my mother has been gone for six months. It seems to have slipped past me without my noticing. I did everything I could to stay busy, because being busy helped. I had some moments that were difficult, but it was never more than moments. In fact, it seems that the miracles we experienced as a family after my mother passed are still happening all around.

We are adding a beautiful new sister in a few months. Dustin finally found a girl good enough for him, that was deserving of the approval given by my sisters and me. Emily is set to officially join the family in August. Emily rocks!!! She already fits right in and can hold her own against the unstoppable force known as Karrah.

Speaking of Karrah, she is a busy little bee. She always amazes me with her chameleon like qualities. She's set to star in yet another Hillcrest Drama Production. This time as Audrey in Little Shoppe of Horrors. She's excited about it, especially because one of her good friends is starring opposite of her.

Whitney is keeping busy with school. She's pulling good grades, working 25 hours a week, and maintaining a social life. She enjoys hanging out with her boyfriend, Chris, who's been her good friend for more years than I can really remember. I'm lucky that I get to see her everyday. We now work at the same location for Petersen Medical.

Which brings me to the promotion that I got at the beginning of the year. I've only been with the company for 10 months, but they thought that I'd do a good job as a Central Purchaser for the company. I'm excited by the new job, but daunted by it as well. Currently, I'm working on what we lovingly call the Inventory Reformation Project. Its a big job, but I'm glad I'm the one working on it. I know that it'll get taken care of correctly. We're hoping to have the actual purchasing part of it up and running in a few months.

Outside of work, my life is pretty boring. I try to stay up with all of my friends. That can be kind of difficult as we're spread all over the world. Angela and I are still pretty tight, but she's abandoned me again. She's back in Shelley again, and is trying to get a job with the Foreign Services. So, she could be leaving for some exotic location, but hey, then I'll have another place to visit some day. The other person I talk to most is Pablo. He's currently living in the Philippenes. Working away. He was an insta-friend when I met him a couple of years ago, and its fun keeping in touch with him. He knows how to make me laugh. It sucks he's so far away, but that's what makes technology so great. He's on the other side of the world, but we still seem to communicate, in some way, nearly everyday. Gotta love Facebook for that, and for keeping track of everyone else. It's always amusing to find some long lost friend online.